Friday, October 14, 2011
For me, this means Round 3 of 12WBT. I should have taken my $200 and spent it on new shoes!! There are many, many things I love about Michelle Bridge's 12WBT but right now, I have 12WBT burn out!!!! :D I thought this round I would be able to take it home but the only thing I am consistent at, is NOT being consistent!
So once again I have found myself in an up/down yoyo pattern across the board - exercise, food and, of course, weight. So it's time to really work on this mind stuff. The problem is my mind is completely scrambled at the moment. I am flat out keeping track of what I have to do each day or in the next week that I cannot cope with the program on top of that.
My problem is that I can't simply just follow the program - especially on the food side. Financially I can't afford to just buy all the ingredients - I have to constantly modify the menu - to suit my family, to suit our budget... and that takes time that I don't have right now. On the exercise side there shouldn't be any excuses but the past week in particular has involved me doing paperwork and planning and all other kinds of stuff until 11 or 12 o'clock at night and then I'm up at 5am to get things prepped for the day and then I don't stop again until 11 o'clock at night. I don't function well on 6 hours sleep (if I'm lucky to not have a restless night) for very long!
I tried to prep myself for this round, have everything out of the way - but it just didn't work out that way. Despite my best efforts. I'm human.
So I have decided I'm not going to try and catch up - I am going to take all the information from this round and apply it during "off season". Last year - I lost a fair bit of weight over the Christmas Break - the days were slower, my other half was around - it meant I could exercise WHENEVER I wanted. Food was easy to organise, TIME was on my side.
12WBT has irrevocably changed me. I can never, ever be the person I was again. I know for certain I will never be 100kg again, I'll never be 90kg again!! Right now I am in mid-80s and I am struggling to bust through that but I will. I just don't know when but the key is I am moving forward (however slowly) and I am NEVER going back!!!! :D
Sunday, September 18, 2011
My life in general overwhelms me. I feel like there is not enough hours in the day to do everything I need to and my exercise and food are both going out the window because I feel like it is the only way I can "cope" with my everday life at the moment.
Kinda sucks. It's not even anything big - I haven't had a close relative die, I haven't broken a leg or gone bankrupt. It's just the normal, every day struggle of living....
I guess, in some ways, mentally, emotionally, maturity - I'm on the back foot already. I never really realised how ingrained my self-hatred was. I thought I was okay but it keeps popping up it's ugly head. Yelling at me about my incompetence and my inability to cope. I feel pretty certain I've already put that voice in to my 10 yo daughter's head - and I don't know how to change it. I'm just really hoping that her dad kinda balances it out but on the other hand, he can be pretty critical too....
I've got to find a way out of this sadness, self-hatred, self-pity, not coping cycle because it is so limiting and it is breaking me down so much. And I desperately, desperately want things to be different for my beautiful girls. I want them to love themselves, to be proud of their achievements, to put themselves first and to be everything that they want to be in life.
I feel it is too late for me. That boat has sailed and I have to make the most of what I have and who I am. It's time to accept that I am stuck here and the consequences of that. Instead I am going to pour my energy in helping my precious girls realise their dreams and get to where they want to be in life.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Unpredictable, emotional, a little unhinged, demanding, fun-maker. Being a mother dominates my life at the mo. Outside of mum is a dreamer, writer, reader, lover.
2. What brings you to 12wbt? Getting fitter? Losing weight? (Gaining weight??) Are you first timer, a repeat offender??
I am the penultimate repeat offender. My first round of 12WBT (Rd 2 2010) I lost 1.6 kilos.... I persevered changing a few things at a time and have over various rounds and Christmas/New Year lost 20 kilos to date. I have another 20 to lose and am bringing it home this round!
3. Why do you blog??
It is mostly for my own benefit. Even though I often feel like nobody is reading my blog - it is cathartic for me to just pour it out and it is also a bit of a record keeper for me... I'll be pretty upset if blogger ever dies and I lose it all... (Should I be backing this up??)
4. Who is your biggest inspiration in life and why (doesn't have to be weight loss)
**I need to think about this some more and come back to it*** Too deep right now!
5. What things in life bring you the most joy?
Absolutely 100 percent my children. Motherhood was something I always wanted from a young girl and it has been exhausting, tiring and yet the most fulfilling and joyful thing I've had in my life.
6.What do you think your greatest challenge is going to be this round?
Food - it is always food.
7. What are you most excited about 12wbt?
Reaching my goal weight this round
8. And what scares the pants off you?
The length. I am so scared I'm not going to make the 12 weeks so I am ticking off each day as it comes.
9. Tell me - right now - today - how do you feel about exercise in no more than 10 words
I love finding my limits - physically and mentally.
10. Complete this sentence - in 12 weeks time - on the last day of 12wbt I am going to be feeling ____________________
..... like a rockstar/new woman/ shock and awe at the new me!
Saturday, September 10, 2011
"I did an enticer triathlon - hated every minute of the bike ride and came last - but I did it!"
"I like to run"
"I worked out with Mish Bridges! :D"
"I'm training to run 32km over a mountain in July next year"
"I expect to be in a healthy weight range by Christmas."
What are some things you couldn't say a year ago? Or even 3 months ago?
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Celebrations all round right??? Well, yes, for a couple of weeks. I was so thrilled with myself that I became complacent and started allowing myself to not "actually count my calories" and to "take it easy" with the exercise. After all, I was still "recovering" from that "calf injury"..... It is amazing what you can justify when you want to....
And then, when I realised what I was doing - it became, "well, I will eat this today, because starting tomorrow I'm not going to eat this kind of stuff anymore" but the will power was well and truly broken and I have struggled and struggled ever since to even come close to getting things back under control.
Somewhere in the midst of all that carry on, I began to see myself as fat again.... Even though the cms have gone up by one or two - in my head they have shot back out by 10-20cm. Although my weight has only gone up by a couple of kilos - in my head it may as well be the full 20 kilos..... I seriously feel as fat as I did when I was a size 20. I "feel" as unfit as I did 12 months ago (to be honest even 6 months ago when I bailed out of the Michelle Bridge's workout in Dec 2010).
So somehow in my head, Size 14 has become "just as fat" as Size 20..... You would think that would spur me on to drop another dress size but..... this is what I thought I would get to... Even if I lost the other 20 kilos I wanted to lose, I can't even begin to fathom being a Size 12 or a Size 10. It truly is beyond my comprehension... I can't even believe I am "this skinny" - there is no way I could achieve an even smaller size - so it would seem my subconscious is proving me right.
It is allowing me to sit here - right within my expectations and now, I have to work out how to move beyond that. How to re-set my expectation or set up that new belief....
It is blowing my mind at the moment! I honestly can't get my head around it - but I hope I can soon - otherwise I fear I may start heading back towards that woman I don't want to be.
Saturday, July 2, 2011
LanB's 10 x 10 x 10 Backyard Challenge
Workout level: Prob best for Intermediate to Advanced Lean and Fit
Location: at home, outdoors, anywhere there is a bit of space!!!
Approx duration: approx 1 hour to complete warm up and 10 rounds - Add half an hour more if you want to include a 30 min run or an extra 5 rounds....
The plan!!! To complete 5 minutes of planks, 100 burpees, 100 static lunges, 100 push ups, 100 crunches, 100 squat jumps, 100 ice skaters, 100 tricep dips, 100 ski jumps, 100 towel pulls and 100 side taps in an hour!! Much easier when you break it down in to 10 rounds of 10 reps for each of these 10 exercises (for those counting - the planks are an added bonus!!!!)
Warm Up options: 5 mins skipping OR 5 mins jogging on the spot - alternating heels behind and knees up for 30 sec each for the entire 5 mins
Complete 10 rounds of the following:
10 x burpees
10 x static lunges ( 1 left, 1 right = 1 REP!)
10 x push ups (on your toes!!!! - knees if needed)
10 x crunches
10 x squat jumps
10 x ice-skaters
10 tricep dips
10 x ski jumps
10 x towel pulls
10 x side tap crunches
Push through each round without a break until at least Round 5 - take no more than a 2 min recovery walk and continue on with your last 5 rounds!
To take it up to 1000 calories burnt, you could finish with a 30 min run and then stretch OR do another 5 rounds!
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
I'm not quite sure how I fell back in to the mind frame that thinks that I can get away with eating 600 calories of chocolate in one day, eat two dinners - home made spag bol followed by KFC.......
Wow - it is really scary when I see it written down. I tell myself but that's only today - I won't be doing that for the next 8 weeks..... but as I said before after 2 days of bad eating over the long weekend this was going to be the start of eating clean again. Hhhhhhmmmm - FAIL!
And to top it off - I feel physically ill. I have gone to bed feeling physically ill on 3 out of the last 4 nights. How is this not a wake up call???? What is wrong with me? And to top it off, my errrmmm cough cough (bowel) is not functioning in quite the same way and I feel like I am full of gas....
I need to right down how shitty I feel right now so I can look back at this and remind myself that this is what eating badly does - oh yeah - and that weight gain thing I thought I had conquered....
Sunday, June 12, 2011
I have used my injury to take a break - not only from exercising like a woman possessed but also from eating right..... It's only for this week, it's only until I can be training hard again.... ENOUGH!! Enough with the excuses, Lee-Ann. My dear, dear friend has had a health scare but she is holding it together and not using it as an excuse to eat herself in to oblivion. It's time to take a leaf out of her book and quit the whining and poor excuses.
This program is 80% nutrition. If I can get the nutrition right - I can get everything else right too. I have 8 more weigh ins to go and I want them to be good ones.
Finger has been pulled out - moving on!
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
It is also well aware that I want to eat anyway, as a distraction to thinking about why I am upset today, why I am letting things get to me that don't really matter, why I am feeling so emotionally drained.... Because when I'm in the moment, eating, exercising whatever - I don't think about me, about my feelings - I just exist, function.
And I never have to confront, why I am where I am and what I am going to do about it.... Sometimes it's good to get out of your head but sometimes it's good to have a look inside. So today I am telling my Inner Labrador to sit, be quiet and let me think. Because I am moving forward and unless my Inner Labrador learns some manners, he/she is not coming along for the ride!**
**Who am I kidding?? That Inner Labrador has to find a new home! I don't have the space for him/her anymore ; )
Monday, May 30, 2011
As I sit here *waiting * for my computer to cooperate, I am reminded of how much time I've wasted sitting on the sidelines waiting for the time to be right!
Funny thing - I almost wrote waisted then. Sadly it's a true reflection. I believe very strongly in excess weight being emotionally connected. As I've spent my life doing things I don't want to do I have piled on and held on to weight.
This is the first time in 20 years I have felt this good about myself. I feel in control and ready to take on the world.
No more moments of happiness. I get to have daily happiness. No more waiting until..... I get to feel good about myself EVERY day. Love it!
Sunday, May 29, 2011
So the blog has had to take a second seat! Yet again.... Yipes!!!
I lost 700g at the first weigh in but I am aiming for bigger numbers this round! I want down!!! I want to mow through the 80s and in to the 70s!!! I am going to the end of round party dressed in the appropriate attire to my weight loss!!! Why not?? 60s go-go girl here I come!!
I have worked super hard this week but have managed to injure my calf muscle during my run this morning. So not happy with this but I am going to take it on board and use it to ensure I eat so very, very right the next few weeks until it is repaired. Another lesson to learn! :D
Friday, May 20, 2011
The bottom line is that “the way I am” is unhealthy and even if it doesn’t impact on my life now - it will down the track. It will be harder to fix /change things down the track, so I need to do it now, even if I don’t look as “fat as I weigh..”
2. It’s too hard to become a better person.
It’s hard but not “too” hard. I have gotten through bigger things and I am more capable than I give myself credit for. I have the ability to be a better person
3. I don’t have the brain capacity for this… still….
What “brain capacity” does it require?? I think you mean emotional capacity and you’ve already proven that you can cry your way through a triathlon or an RPM class and still get a good calorie burn. Also you have gone a loooong way in diminishing your emotional eating. You don’t need to think about this - you just need to take the program and do it. How many times?????
4. I am comfortable where I am. I already push out of my comfort zone in other areas of my life. I don’t want to push out of my comfort zone with exercise and food.
It may be true that you don’t have lofty goals of running a marathon or doing a full triathlon but the fact is, as long as you are sitting in your comfort zone - you are not reaching your full potential or being the best version of yourself. You are being the comfortable version of yourself and in the long run, that is going to be bloody boring. The only way to expand your comfort zone and experience more in your life is by being outside your comfort zone in all aspects of your life. Being out of my comfort zone with exercise is a good thing, it sharpens my mind as well as building physical strength and rolls in to other aspects of my life.
External Excuses Within My Control
2. My current commitments don’t allow me to get to the gym when I want to.
2. Work around those commitments. It’s not about when you WANT to go to the gym. It’s when you can. So start getting used to those Mish Bridges workouts that you can do when you can’t make it to a class. At home, in the backyard, at the gym when there are no classes on, on the gym machine.. Are you for real??? Options, JFDI, Let’s finish this girlfriend!
Thursday, May 19, 2011
I just read my post below re: my fear before the enticer triathlon. It was certainly a "defining" moment for me. So here is a blow by blow account:
After confronting my first fear of swimming in the ocean quite comfortably, I was feeling good and jumped on my bike.
That good feeling lasted about 10 mins. You see, folk had said the course was "quite hilly". These folk were liars. To an inexperienced rider such as myself it was really, really hard to imagine a hillier course, "quite" was not adequate. I dubbed it the Hilly Bike Course from Hell. (Although, technically, I don't believe in Hell, if there was a Hell this bike course would be in it.) Holy crap!!! It was hill after hill after hill and there was no relief!!!! Seriously.
By 20 mins in (prob - I had no real concept of time) I was blubbering my heart out. Big, heaving sobs as I realised even though I "couldn't do this" I had no choice but keep going toward the finish line. I think I basically cried most of the way back from there - even downhill! I knew I was dead last by a long shot and had resigned myself to parking the bike and quitting. There was no way I was going to finish this course. I couldn't even look at my family (Dave, Laura (10) and Erin(4)) as I approached the finish line for the bike course, knowing that I was going to park my bike. Walk off in to the crowd somewhere and watch everyone finish the race.
Unfortunately, the universe has graced me with perfect hearing, so over my screaming internal voice of self doubt, disappointment and pain, I heard the tiny, cherub-like voice of my four year old (most likely prompted by her father) saying "I'm so proud of you, mummy!" Uuurrrrgggghhhh! Now I HAD to finish the race.
So I parked my bike, put my head down and started jogging out to the 2km run course. *sigh* I was last, it was confirmed by the official who rode by me on his bike and informed base that he was with the last runner. I thought to myself that there was nothing more I could do now, so I resigned myself to finishing it. I ran the whole way and it actually felt good. A 2km run after the 10km bike ride from hell was a relief. My legs felt like lead but not in a bad way and I ran it in a pretty respectable time of 12 mins 47 sec ( I think - will have to check my blog post below!) .
I was just glad to have it done. The Universe conspired against me to ensure I completed the whole damn thing and I did and now, in so many ways, it seems insignificant but how much it built me up and made me begin to believe that all things fitness are possible can not have a value placed on it...
It made me begin to see the "Lee-Ann" at the end of my transformation. I realise that my transformation won't be complete in 12 weeks but each round, something new emerges. A more resilient or happier or less afraid Lee-Ann who is putting it all together to become the woman she has always wanted to be.. It hasn't been smooth sailing and it hasn't been fast but it has been happening and there is no going back now!!!
Yippeee! Bring on Rd 2 2011 :D :D
Life has been manically busy of late and I'm not sure I am going to have time to maintain it this round. But dammit! I am going to give it a good shot.
I've also decided I need to lighten up a bit and start looking at the funnier side of things instead of being so intense all the time!
Unfortunately I am not a very funny or witty person but seeing as I only have two faithful followers..... I'm sure it's not going to matter if my razor sharp wit fails to meet it's mark. :D
If you have come across this Blog by chance, my apologies in advance.
Monday, May 16, 2011
- Lost 6.9 kilos and 51cms from my body!
- Fitting in to smaller clothes, larger clothes becoming too loose!
- Have almost completely moved in to the Advanced program - My 1km time trial is 5:36 - 7 seconds less and I am officially advanced!
- Completed an Enticer Triathlon in 1 hour 16 mins and 2 seconds (300m swim 13:27 10km hilly bike course from hell 49:53 and 2km run with lead legs - 12:41)
- Followed up with my first major milestone in any of the 3 rounds:
20km bike ride 1:21:28, run/walk 9km 1:22:59 and 800m swim 42:41..... Burnt 2185 Calories
- Back to back to back classes (TONIGHT!) it was Body Attack (558) Body Pump (463 - highest ever calories burnt in body pump) then Boxing (587) Total of 1608 calories! Just awesome! :D
A lot of things that I never thought I would achieve! It had it's ups and it's downs but I think I am finally beginning to understand how my body works and I am actually loving pushing myself to extremes...
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
I really feel like I earnt this one. I have been exhausted! Just plain old exhausted. I also feel a little cheated. I am so overweight and I seem to lose weight like someone with a lot less to lose. I read about others who don't exercise and still lose this kind of weight but I've just got to suck it up and realise that I'm just going to have to do the hard yards.
C'est la vie. I'm not sure how long I can sustain this pace but I am going to have to. I plan to be in the 80s in the next few weeks and just keep going down!!! Yeeha!!
Sunday, March 13, 2011
1. I have trained but not as much as I thought I would.
2. My anxiety about swimming in the ocean is taking hold. To date - I have only swam in a swimming pool and I have long had a phobia about the ocean and now it is getting bigger than Ben Hurr
3. I checked the website today and realised the 8km bike ride is actually a 10km bike ride. And that for the last race at Husky - there were 170 women in my age bracket - the highest number of all sexes and age groups!....
4. I know that I have emotional issues around exercise and I have to push through them but at the moment the emotional is winning.
5. I feel like I have something to prove and keep pushing and pushing my expectations higher and then realising that in the time frame - it is not likely to happen.
I know that I have found some incredible inner strength to get me "across the line" on other occassions but this doesn't feel like it's going to be one of them.
So I am starting to think about worse case scenario.... What in my mind is the worst thing that could happen?? That I get part way in to the swim and have to be "rescued" by officials and get pulled out of the race. And I think to myself what would I say to someone who I respect and love: "At least you gave it a go" - because really that is the most important thing of all.
I've also decided that at a minimum I am going to turn up - just like I have been doing with so many exercise sessions. Go in to robot mode - forget the emotion. I know that once I am there, I will just do what I have to do. After all my mantra for this round is "Doing what it takes.." so I guess, despite all self doubt, mind blowing fear and anxiety, I will stand on the line with 170 other women, take a deep breath and run into the ocean and see where I end up....
Cripes.. Who is this person???!
I've decided I don't have the time for it this round but I am keeping it open for my benefit.
I honestly can't squeeze another thing in to my life at the moment. I'm not even keeping my food diary. It's all just a bit too hard.
I am exhausted - not just physically but also mentally. I really, really feel like I can't continue to live like this anymore. Something is going to give, very soon..... I don't know what, I don't know where - all I know for certain is that it can't be this exercise and eating properly because that is what is helping me survive.
Exercise makes me cry, laugh, feel proud, strive, love myself, hate myself, gives me hope, grounds me. I need it in my life - desperately.
I also need to start seeing more of this weight loss stuff. I need to break these 90 kilos and I want to get myself down to my goal weight. If I manage to shift another 10 kilos by May - that will be 20 kilos lost in the past year. I think that is a great goal.
So no more messing around, body. We are on a mission and we are going to complete it. ; )
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Pre-season Task 2 is killing me because to admit "I have the emotional capacity for this" as opposed to don't really scares me. There was definitely a stage in my life when I could handle very little emotionally because I was depressed but I have since defeated this belief in a small way but now it's time to face it in a big way and it makes me feel physically ill.
The other side of the coin is.... if I do have the emotional capacity for this, how much of the rest of my life am I wasting? I could be in another place right now but I tell myself that I am too emotionally weak to deal with this and so many other things in my life...
This has been such a shock to me. Now Mish has posted Preseason task 5 and I am still sitting here in denial....
Truth: I don't want to be sitting here in denial in 12 weeks time looking back having missed the opportunity again.... So I am giving myself a great big wake up call. By the end of this weekend I will have completed these tasks and be up to date. I will be gut wrenchingly honest with myself, because I don't want to continue living my life this way.
Monday, January 24, 2011
I am tired. After 23 days of not drinking the drink that shall not be named.... I had a black russian and couldn't sleep ALL night. One glass and I wasn't even tired until this afternoon....
It is still important for me to record EVERY morsel of food that goes in to my mouth and every bit of exercise I do. I need evidence. I feel like it doesn't matter what I do - I can't get consistent weight loss and it is soooo slow. I need to make sure I am eating fewer calories and burning more!!!
I also need to get my HRM fixed so I can be specific about the calories!
I think my tiredness is showing in my ramblings - time to let it go!
I'll be back soon!
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
The past 4 days I have been fighting emotional eating binges with a great deal of success but caved yesterday. I felt so miserable, so down in the dumps and the urge to stuff food in my mouth became all too much. 100g of M&Ms doesn't look like much, but it sure made me feel sick - I haven't eaten that much chocolate in one hit in a long time and it made me feel ill. This was heightened by reading after the fact, how many calories I had actually consumed.
It also hit home to me how easily I ate excess calories before this Michelle Bridge's program. On top of that chocolate - I would have had ice-cream, carbs, biscuits, packets of chips. Along with large portion sizes, I would easily have been eating in excess of 2000 calories a day and not exercising and gaining weight.
I don't know why I am so bummed out right now. It is driving me nuts but I will get there. I always do. I just have to hope I don't take too many casualties along the way.