Sunday, June 3, 2012

Touching Base

Just that small act of reaching out, making contact has thrown everything in to a new perspective! Or maybe that's just the cider talking...

Defeating the CBFs

As another round of 12WBT commences, I am left to reflect on my constant failures, grasping desperately at any small change to justify at least some of the effort I have put in over the past 2 years.

In some ways, I am back at square one - emotionally and how I am living my life but at least not weight wise.... Exercise is too hard, living my life the way I do is too hard but I once again feel powerless to change it.

On the exercise front, I had discovered running. I was loving it. I was committed to it and achieving my goal of running the King of the Mountain in July. Now that has fallen completely by the wayside. I have had an enforced break from exercise with a shoulder injury and achilles tendonitis and while I *could* start running again now, my BHAG has slipped out of sight this time round, my other half is away, the weather is cold, I have an ear infection that just does not seem to be healing and I have succumbed to a big dose of the CBFs.....

The CBFs have only just found started to intefere with the running - for quite some time now they have been messing with my food preparation, food intake and all other forms of exercise but I still thought I was *okay* as long as I was running... Now they have hit me full force and I have to acknowledge them and where I have fallen to..

This will be the first round I have not joined since May 2010.... I have been stalled at the same 4-5 kilos since  May 2011.... And here we are at May 2012 and I have "officially" given up..... Every round I have gone in thinking *I can do this* *I can get to my goal weight* *This round I am going to lose 20 kilos* and every time I fail..... I don't even come close... The most weight I have lost in one round is 7 kilos because I suck at sticking to the program. I "can't" /"won't" work it around my life. Not for the whole 12 weeks anyway!

Time for me to branch out on my own. To take the principles that worked for me and utilising them to the fullest degree. Paying forward a bit of support to my local group and letting myself shine at my own pace and in my own way and not feel bad about it! :)

Friday, October 14, 2011

Falling Behind and Catching Up!

Sometimes life gets too busy and we have to cut things away.

For me, this means Round 3 of 12WBT. I should have taken my $200 and spent it on new shoes!! There are many, many things I love about Michelle Bridge's 12WBT but right now, I have 12WBT burn out!!!! :D I thought this round I would be able to take it home but the only thing I am consistent at, is NOT being consistent!

So once again I have found myself in an up/down yoyo pattern across the board - exercise, food and, of course, weight. So it's time to really work on this mind stuff. The problem is my mind is completely scrambled at the moment. I am flat out keeping track of what I have to do each day or in the next week that I cannot cope with the program on top of that.

My problem is that I can't simply just follow the program - especially on the food side. Financially I can't afford to just buy all the ingredients - I have to constantly modify the menu - to suit my family, to suit our budget... and that takes time that I don't have right now.  On the exercise side there shouldn't be any excuses but the past week in particular has involved me doing paperwork and planning and all other kinds of stuff until 11 or 12 o'clock at night and then I'm up at 5am to get things prepped for the day and then I don't stop again until 11 o'clock at night. I don't function well on 6 hours sleep (if I'm lucky to not have a restless night) for very long!

I tried to prep myself for this round, have everything out of the way - but it just didn't work out that way. Despite my best efforts. I'm human.

So I have decided I'm not going to try and catch up - I am going to take all the information from this round and apply it during "off season". Last year - I lost a fair bit of weight over the Christmas Break - the days were slower, my other half was around - it meant I could exercise WHENEVER I wanted. Food was easy to organise, TIME was on my side.

12WBT has irrevocably changed me. I can never, ever be the person I was again. I know for certain I will never be 100kg again, I'll never be 90kg again!! Right now I am in mid-80s and I am struggling to bust through that but I will. I just don't know when but the key is I am moving forward (however slowly) and I am NEVER going back!!!! :D

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Today I feel sad

Today I feel sad and overwhelmed.

My life in general overwhelms me. I feel like there is not enough hours in the day to do everything I need to and my exercise and food are both going out the window because I feel like it is the only way I can "cope" with my everday life at the moment.

Kinda sucks. It's not even anything big - I haven't had a close relative die, I haven't broken a leg or gone bankrupt. It's just the normal, every day struggle of living....

I guess, in some ways, mentally, emotionally, maturity - I'm on the back foot already. I never really realised how ingrained my self-hatred was. I thought I was okay but it keeps popping up it's ugly head. Yelling at me about my incompetence and my inability to cope. I feel pretty certain I've already put that voice in to my 10 yo daughter's head - and I don't know how to change it. I'm just really hoping that her dad kinda balances it out but on the other hand, he can be pretty critical too....

I've got to find a way out of this sadness, self-hatred, self-pity, not coping cycle because it is so limiting and it is breaking me down so much. And I desperately, desperately want things to be different for my beautiful girls. I want them to love themselves, to be proud of their achievements, to put themselves first and to be everything that they want to be in life.

I feel it is too late for me. That boat has sailed and I have to make the most of what I have and who I am. It's time to accept that I am stuck here and the consequences of that. Instead I am going to pour my energy in helping my precious girls realise their dreams and get to where they want to be in life.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Round 3 Bloggers Challenge! - Week 1

1. Describe yourself in 25 words or less. You can get straight to the point - or bring your creativity into play.

Unpredictable, emotional, a little unhinged, demanding, fun-maker. Being a mother dominates my life at the mo. Outside of mum is a dreamer, writer, reader, lover.

2. What brings you to 12wbt? Getting fitter? Losing weight? (Gaining weight??) Are you first timer, a repeat offender??

I am the penultimate repeat offender. My first round of 12WBT (Rd 2 2010) I lost 1.6 kilos.... I persevered changing a few things at a time and have over various rounds and Christmas/New Year lost 20 kilos to date. I have another 20 to lose and am bringing it home this round!

3. Why do you blog??

It is mostly for my own benefit. Even though I often feel like nobody is reading my blog - it is cathartic for me to just pour it out and it is also a bit of a record keeper for me... I'll be pretty upset if blogger ever dies and I lose it all... (Should I be backing this up??)

4. Who is your biggest inspiration in life and why (doesn't have to be weight loss)
**I need to think about this some more and come back to it*** Too deep right now!

5. What things in life bring you the most joy?
Absolutely 100 percent my children. Motherhood was something I always wanted from a young girl and it has been exhausting, tiring and yet the most fulfilling and joyful thing I've had in my life.

6.What do you think your greatest challenge is going to be this round?
Food - it is always food.

7. What are you most excited about 12wbt?
Reaching my goal weight this round

8. And what scares the pants off you?
The length. I am so scared I'm not going to make the 12 weeks so I am ticking off each day as it comes.

9. Tell me - right now - today - how do you feel about exercise in no more than 10 words
I love finding my limits - physically and mentally.

10. Complete this sentence - in 12 weeks time - on the last day of 12wbt I am going to be feeling ____________________

..... like a rockstar/new woman/ shock and awe at the new me!

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Things I couldn't say a year ago....

"I've lost 20 kilos and kept it off."

"I did an enticer triathlon - hated every minute of the bike ride and came last - but I did it!"

"I run."

"I like to run"

"I worked out with Mish Bridges! :D"

"I'm training to run 32km over a mountain in July next year"

"I expect to be in a healthy weight range by Christmas."

What are some things you couldn't say a year ago? Or even 3 months ago?

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Size 14 is the New Fat........ - Mindset Lesson

A few weeks ago I was feeling really, really good! In the past year I have lost 20 kilos and gotten down to the lowest weight I've been in probably almost 10 years AND I fitted in to a pair of size 14 Jeans..... : D

Celebrations all round right??? Well, yes, for a couple of weeks. I was so thrilled with myself that I became complacent and started allowing myself to not "actually count my calories" and to "take it easy" with the exercise. After all, I was still "recovering" from that "calf injury"..... It is amazing what you can justify when you want to....

And then, when I realised what I was doing - it became, "well, I will eat this today, because starting tomorrow I'm not going to eat this kind of stuff anymore" but the will power was well and truly broken and I have struggled and struggled ever since to even come close to getting things back under control.

Somewhere in the midst of all that carry on, I began to see myself as fat again.... Even though the cms have gone up by one or two - in my head they have shot back out by 10-20cm. Although my weight has only gone up by a couple of kilos - in my head it may as well be the full 20 kilos..... I seriously feel as fat as I did when I was a size 20. I "feel" as unfit as I did 12 months ago (to be honest even 6 months ago when I bailed out of the Michelle Bridge's workout in Dec 2010).

So somehow in my head, Size 14 has become "just as fat" as Size 20..... You would think that would spur me on to drop another dress size but..... this is what I thought I would get to... Even if I lost the other 20 kilos I wanted to lose, I can't even begin to fathom being a Size 12 or a Size 10. It truly is beyond my comprehension... I can't even believe I am "this skinny" - there is no way I could achieve an even smaller size - so it would seem my subconscious is proving me right.

It is allowing me to sit here - right within my expectations and now, I have to work out how to move beyond that. How to re-set my expectation or set up that new belief....

It is blowing my mind at the moment! I honestly can't get my head around it - but I hope I can soon - otherwise I fear I may start heading back towards that woman I don't want to be.