Sunday, September 18, 2011

Today I feel sad

Today I feel sad and overwhelmed.

My life in general overwhelms me. I feel like there is not enough hours in the day to do everything I need to and my exercise and food are both going out the window because I feel like it is the only way I can "cope" with my everday life at the moment.

Kinda sucks. It's not even anything big - I haven't had a close relative die, I haven't broken a leg or gone bankrupt. It's just the normal, every day struggle of living....

I guess, in some ways, mentally, emotionally, maturity - I'm on the back foot already. I never really realised how ingrained my self-hatred was. I thought I was okay but it keeps popping up it's ugly head. Yelling at me about my incompetence and my inability to cope. I feel pretty certain I've already put that voice in to my 10 yo daughter's head - and I don't know how to change it. I'm just really hoping that her dad kinda balances it out but on the other hand, he can be pretty critical too....

I've got to find a way out of this sadness, self-hatred, self-pity, not coping cycle because it is so limiting and it is breaking me down so much. And I desperately, desperately want things to be different for my beautiful girls. I want them to love themselves, to be proud of their achievements, to put themselves first and to be everything that they want to be in life.

I feel it is too late for me. That boat has sailed and I have to make the most of what I have and who I am. It's time to accept that I am stuck here and the consequences of that. Instead I am going to pour my energy in helping my precious girls realise their dreams and get to where they want to be in life.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Round 3 Bloggers Challenge! - Week 1

1. Describe yourself in 25 words or less. You can get straight to the point - or bring your creativity into play.

Unpredictable, emotional, a little unhinged, demanding, fun-maker. Being a mother dominates my life at the mo. Outside of mum is a dreamer, writer, reader, lover.

2. What brings you to 12wbt? Getting fitter? Losing weight? (Gaining weight??) Are you first timer, a repeat offender??

I am the penultimate repeat offender. My first round of 12WBT (Rd 2 2010) I lost 1.6 kilos.... I persevered changing a few things at a time and have over various rounds and Christmas/New Year lost 20 kilos to date. I have another 20 to lose and am bringing it home this round!

3. Why do you blog??

It is mostly for my own benefit. Even though I often feel like nobody is reading my blog - it is cathartic for me to just pour it out and it is also a bit of a record keeper for me... I'll be pretty upset if blogger ever dies and I lose it all... (Should I be backing this up??)

4. Who is your biggest inspiration in life and why (doesn't have to be weight loss)
**I need to think about this some more and come back to it*** Too deep right now!

5. What things in life bring you the most joy?
Absolutely 100 percent my children. Motherhood was something I always wanted from a young girl and it has been exhausting, tiring and yet the most fulfilling and joyful thing I've had in my life.

6.What do you think your greatest challenge is going to be this round?
Food - it is always food.

7. What are you most excited about 12wbt?
Reaching my goal weight this round

8. And what scares the pants off you?
The length. I am so scared I'm not going to make the 12 weeks so I am ticking off each day as it comes.

9. Tell me - right now - today - how do you feel about exercise in no more than 10 words
I love finding my limits - physically and mentally.

10. Complete this sentence - in 12 weeks time - on the last day of 12wbt I am going to be feeling ____________________

..... like a rockstar/new woman/ shock and awe at the new me!

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Things I couldn't say a year ago....

"I've lost 20 kilos and kept it off."

"I did an enticer triathlon - hated every minute of the bike ride and came last - but I did it!"

"I run."

"I like to run"

"I worked out with Mish Bridges! :D"

"I'm training to run 32km over a mountain in July next year"

"I expect to be in a healthy weight range by Christmas."

What are some things you couldn't say a year ago? Or even 3 months ago?