Today I feel sad and overwhelmed.
My life in general overwhelms me. I feel like there is not enough hours in the day to do everything I need to and my exercise and food are both going out the window because I feel like it is the only way I can "cope" with my everday life at the moment.
Kinda sucks. It's not even anything big - I haven't had a close relative die, I haven't broken a leg or gone bankrupt. It's just the normal, every day struggle of living....
I guess, in some ways, mentally, emotionally, maturity - I'm on the back foot already. I never really realised how ingrained my self-hatred was. I thought I was okay but it keeps popping up it's ugly head. Yelling at me about my incompetence and my inability to cope. I feel pretty certain I've already put that voice in to my 10 yo daughter's head - and I don't know how to change it. I'm just really hoping that her dad kinda balances it out but on the other hand, he can be pretty critical too....
I've got to find a way out of this sadness, self-hatred, self-pity, not coping cycle because it is so limiting and it is breaking me down so much. And I desperately, desperately want things to be different for my beautiful girls. I want them to love themselves, to be proud of their achievements, to put themselves first and to be everything that they want to be in life.
I feel it is too late for me. That boat has sailed and I have to make the most of what I have and who I am. It's time to accept that I am stuck here and the consequences of that. Instead I am going to pour my energy in helping my precious girls realise their dreams and get to where they want to be in life.
I'm sorry you're sad. I have suffered from depression and at the time I felt like I was wrong to feel that way, because "nothing bad" had happened to me. A beautiful friend to whom "something bad" HAD happened pointed out that my feelings are my feelings - I wasn't diminishing her grief and sadness by saying, hey, I'm sad too even though I don't know why. I'm not saying you are depressed, but my point is that your feelings are valid.
ReplyDeleteI also really empathise when it comes to putting your issues/voice onto your daughters, I am starting to worry about that particularly with my eldest.
I hope that the sadness passes; if it is an ongoing thing please consider speaking to your doctor about it (I know that is very very hard).
Hi Lan,
ReplyDeleteIt does sound like you might be suffering from depression - have you talked to your doctor. It's definitely NOT too late for you to have the life you want and you definitely deserve it. While your girls are important, so are you. Big hugs :-).