Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Week 5 - Burn baby burn!

So it looks like I've worked out what it takes this week... 99.9% clean eating and 4 out of 7 days of double classes (plus 1 day of boxing - I stuffed up 2 days) has resulted in a 1.3 kilo weight loss this week. Phew. I am so relieved that my extra hard work has paid off!

I really feel like I earnt this one. I have been exhausted! Just plain old exhausted. I also feel a little cheated. I am so overweight and I seem to lose weight like someone with a lot less to lose. I read about others who don't exercise and still lose this kind of weight but I've just got to suck it up and realise that I'm just going to have to do the hard yards.

C'est la vie. I'm not sure how long I can sustain this pace but I am going to have to. I plan to be in the 80s in the next few weeks and just keep going down!!! Yeeha!!

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Bitchslapping self doubt back down...

I am beginning to panic. I set myself a goal to do an enticer triathlon on 3rd April. I was so sure at the beginning of this round that a 300m swim followed by an 8km bike ride followed by a 2km run was completely and totally achievable for me. So what has changed??

1. I have trained but not as much as I thought I would.

2. My anxiety about swimming in the ocean is taking hold. To date - I have only swam in a swimming pool and I have long had a phobia about the ocean and now it is getting bigger than Ben Hurr

3. I checked the website today and realised the 8km bike ride is actually a 10km bike ride. And that for the last race at Husky - there were 170 women in my age bracket - the highest number of all sexes and age groups!....

4. I know that I have emotional issues around exercise and I have to push through them but at the moment the emotional is winning.

5. I feel like I have something to prove and keep pushing and pushing my expectations higher and then realising that in the time frame - it is not likely to happen.

I know that I have found some incredible inner strength to get me "across the line" on other occassions but this doesn't feel like it's going to be one of them.

So I am starting to think about worse case scenario.... What in my mind is the worst thing that could happen?? That I get part way in to the swim and have to be "rescued" by officials and get pulled out of the race. And I think to myself what would I say to someone who I respect and love: "At least you gave it a go" - because really that is the most important thing of all.

I've also decided that at a minimum I am going to turn up - just like I have been doing with so many exercise sessions. Go in to robot mode - forget the emotion. I know that once I am there, I will just do what I have to do. After all my mantra for this round is "Doing what it takes.." so I guess, despite all self doubt, mind blowing fear and anxiety, I will stand on the line with 170 other women, take a deep breath and run into the ocean and see where I end up....

Cripes.. Who is this person???!

Back to Blogging

So it is now 3 weeks in to Rd 1 2011 Michelle Bridge's 12WBT! And contrary to appearances - I have been working my arse off. Just not on this blog.
I've decided I don't have the time for it this round but I am keeping it open for my benefit.

I honestly can't squeeze another thing in to my life at the moment. I'm not even keeping my food diary. It's all just a bit too hard.

I am exhausted - not just physically but also mentally. I really, really feel like I can't continue to live like this anymore. Something is going to give, very soon..... I don't know what, I don't know where - all I know for certain is that it can't be this exercise and eating properly because that is what is helping me survive.

Exercise makes me cry, laugh, feel proud, strive, love myself, hate myself, gives me hope, grounds me. I need it in my life - desperately.

I also need to start seeing more of this weight loss stuff. I need to break these 90 kilos and I want to get myself down to my goal weight. If I manage to shift another 10 kilos by May - that will be 20 kilos lost in the past year. I think that is a great goal.

So no more messing around, body. We are on a mission and we are going to complete it. ; )