A few weeks ago I was feeling really, really good! In the past year I have lost 20 kilos and gotten down to the lowest weight I've been in probably almost 10 years AND I fitted in to a pair of size 14 Jeans..... : D
Celebrations all round right??? Well, yes, for a couple of weeks. I was so thrilled with myself that I became complacent and started allowing myself to not "actually count my calories" and to "take it easy" with the exercise. After all, I was still "recovering" from that "calf injury"..... It is amazing what you can justify when you want to....
And then, when I realised what I was doing - it became, "well, I will eat this today, because starting tomorrow I'm not going to eat this kind of stuff anymore" but the will power was well and truly broken and I have struggled and struggled ever since to even come close to getting things back under control.
Somewhere in the midst of all that carry on, I began to see myself as fat again.... Even though the cms have gone up by one or two - in my head they have shot back out by 10-20cm. Although my weight has only gone up by a couple of kilos - in my head it may as well be the full 20 kilos..... I seriously feel as fat as I did when I was a size 20. I "feel" as unfit as I did 12 months ago (to be honest even 6 months ago when I bailed out of the Michelle Bridge's workout in Dec 2010).
So somehow in my head, Size 14 has become "just as fat" as Size 20..... You would think that would spur me on to drop another dress size but..... this is what I thought I would get to... Even if I lost the other 20 kilos I wanted to lose, I can't even begin to fathom being a Size 12 or a Size 10. It truly is beyond my comprehension... I can't even believe I am "this skinny" - there is no way I could achieve an even smaller size - so it would seem my subconscious is proving me right.
It is allowing me to sit here - right within my expectations and now, I have to work out how to move beyond that. How to re-set my expectation or set up that new belief....
It is blowing my mind at the moment! I honestly can't get my head around it - but I hope I can soon - otherwise I fear I may start heading back towards that woman I don't want to be.