So it looks like I've worked out what it takes this week... 99.9% clean eating and 4 out of 7 days of double classes (plus 1 day of boxing - I stuffed up 2 days) has resulted in a 1.3 kilo weight loss this week. Phew. I am so relieved that my extra hard work has paid off!
I really feel like I earnt this one. I have been exhausted! Just plain old exhausted. I also feel a little cheated. I am so overweight and I seem to lose weight like someone with a lot less to lose. I read about others who don't exercise and still lose this kind of weight but I've just got to suck it up and realise that I'm just going to have to do the hard yards.
C'est la vie. I'm not sure how long I can sustain this pace but I am going to have to. I plan to be in the 80s in the next few weeks and just keep going down!!! Yeeha!!
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Bitchslapping self doubt back down...
I am beginning to panic. I set myself a goal to do an enticer triathlon on 3rd April. I was so sure at the beginning of this round that a 300m swim followed by an 8km bike ride followed by a 2km run was completely and totally achievable for me. So what has changed??
1. I have trained but not as much as I thought I would.
2. My anxiety about swimming in the ocean is taking hold. To date - I have only swam in a swimming pool and I have long had a phobia about the ocean and now it is getting bigger than Ben Hurr
3. I checked the website today and realised the 8km bike ride is actually a 10km bike ride. And that for the last race at Husky - there were 170 women in my age bracket - the highest number of all sexes and age groups!....
4. I know that I have emotional issues around exercise and I have to push through them but at the moment the emotional is winning.
5. I feel like I have something to prove and keep pushing and pushing my expectations higher and then realising that in the time frame - it is not likely to happen.
I know that I have found some incredible inner strength to get me "across the line" on other occassions but this doesn't feel like it's going to be one of them.
So I am starting to think about worse case scenario.... What in my mind is the worst thing that could happen?? That I get part way in to the swim and have to be "rescued" by officials and get pulled out of the race. And I think to myself what would I say to someone who I respect and love: "At least you gave it a go" - because really that is the most important thing of all.
I've also decided that at a minimum I am going to turn up - just like I have been doing with so many exercise sessions. Go in to robot mode - forget the emotion. I know that once I am there, I will just do what I have to do. After all my mantra for this round is "Doing what it takes.." so I guess, despite all self doubt, mind blowing fear and anxiety, I will stand on the line with 170 other women, take a deep breath and run into the ocean and see where I end up....
Cripes.. Who is this person???!
1. I have trained but not as much as I thought I would.
2. My anxiety about swimming in the ocean is taking hold. To date - I have only swam in a swimming pool and I have long had a phobia about the ocean and now it is getting bigger than Ben Hurr
3. I checked the website today and realised the 8km bike ride is actually a 10km bike ride. And that for the last race at Husky - there were 170 women in my age bracket - the highest number of all sexes and age groups!....
4. I know that I have emotional issues around exercise and I have to push through them but at the moment the emotional is winning.
5. I feel like I have something to prove and keep pushing and pushing my expectations higher and then realising that in the time frame - it is not likely to happen.
I know that I have found some incredible inner strength to get me "across the line" on other occassions but this doesn't feel like it's going to be one of them.
So I am starting to think about worse case scenario.... What in my mind is the worst thing that could happen?? That I get part way in to the swim and have to be "rescued" by officials and get pulled out of the race. And I think to myself what would I say to someone who I respect and love: "At least you gave it a go" - because really that is the most important thing of all.
I've also decided that at a minimum I am going to turn up - just like I have been doing with so many exercise sessions. Go in to robot mode - forget the emotion. I know that once I am there, I will just do what I have to do. After all my mantra for this round is "Doing what it takes.." so I guess, despite all self doubt, mind blowing fear and anxiety, I will stand on the line with 170 other women, take a deep breath and run into the ocean and see where I end up....
Cripes.. Who is this person???!
Back to Blogging
So it is now 3 weeks in to Rd 1 2011 Michelle Bridge's 12WBT! And contrary to appearances - I have been working my arse off. Just not on this blog.
I've decided I don't have the time for it this round but I am keeping it open for my benefit.
I honestly can't squeeze another thing in to my life at the moment. I'm not even keeping my food diary. It's all just a bit too hard.
I am exhausted - not just physically but also mentally. I really, really feel like I can't continue to live like this anymore. Something is going to give, very soon..... I don't know what, I don't know where - all I know for certain is that it can't be this exercise and eating properly because that is what is helping me survive.
Exercise makes me cry, laugh, feel proud, strive, love myself, hate myself, gives me hope, grounds me. I need it in my life - desperately.
I also need to start seeing more of this weight loss stuff. I need to break these 90 kilos and I want to get myself down to my goal weight. If I manage to shift another 10 kilos by May - that will be 20 kilos lost in the past year. I think that is a great goal.
So no more messing around, body. We are on a mission and we are going to complete it. ; )
I've decided I don't have the time for it this round but I am keeping it open for my benefit.
I honestly can't squeeze another thing in to my life at the moment. I'm not even keeping my food diary. It's all just a bit too hard.
I am exhausted - not just physically but also mentally. I really, really feel like I can't continue to live like this anymore. Something is going to give, very soon..... I don't know what, I don't know where - all I know for certain is that it can't be this exercise and eating properly because that is what is helping me survive.
Exercise makes me cry, laugh, feel proud, strive, love myself, hate myself, gives me hope, grounds me. I need it in my life - desperately.
I also need to start seeing more of this weight loss stuff. I need to break these 90 kilos and I want to get myself down to my goal weight. If I manage to shift another 10 kilos by May - that will be 20 kilos lost in the past year. I think that is a great goal.
So no more messing around, body. We are on a mission and we are going to complete it. ; )
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Halt!!
So I have come to a grinding halt! Again... *sigh*
Pre-season Task 2 is killing me because to admit "I have the emotional capacity for this" as opposed to don't really scares me. There was definitely a stage in my life when I could handle very little emotionally because I was depressed but I have since defeated this belief in a small way but now it's time to face it in a big way and it makes me feel physically ill.
The other side of the coin is.... if I do have the emotional capacity for this, how much of the rest of my life am I wasting? I could be in another place right now but I tell myself that I am too emotionally weak to deal with this and so many other things in my life...
This has been such a shock to me. Now Mish has posted Preseason task 5 and I am still sitting here in denial....
Truth: I don't want to be sitting here in denial in 12 weeks time looking back having missed the opportunity again.... So I am giving myself a great big wake up call. By the end of this weekend I will have completed these tasks and be up to date. I will be gut wrenchingly honest with myself, because I don't want to continue living my life this way.
Pre-season Task 2 is killing me because to admit "I have the emotional capacity for this" as opposed to don't really scares me. There was definitely a stage in my life when I could handle very little emotionally because I was depressed but I have since defeated this belief in a small way but now it's time to face it in a big way and it makes me feel physically ill.
The other side of the coin is.... if I do have the emotional capacity for this, how much of the rest of my life am I wasting? I could be in another place right now but I tell myself that I am too emotionally weak to deal with this and so many other things in my life...
This has been such a shock to me. Now Mish has posted Preseason task 5 and I am still sitting here in denial....
Truth: I don't want to be sitting here in denial in 12 weeks time looking back having missed the opportunity again.... So I am giving myself a great big wake up call. By the end of this weekend I will have completed these tasks and be up to date. I will be gut wrenchingly honest with myself, because I don't want to continue living my life this way.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Blogging, Eating, Working, Dreaming, Crying, Laughing, Running!!!
How do you balance all that??? Something had to give and on this occassion I am pleased to say it was the blog!! I have kept record up until a week ago on an excel spreadsheet and I will return to that soon but for now I am focusing on eating well, exercising and avoiding bad things.
I am tired. After 23 days of not drinking the drink that shall not be named.... I had a black russian and couldn't sleep ALL night. One glass and I wasn't even tired until this afternoon....
It is still important for me to record EVERY morsel of food that goes in to my mouth and every bit of exercise I do. I need evidence. I feel like it doesn't matter what I do - I can't get consistent weight loss and it is soooo slow. I need to make sure I am eating fewer calories and burning more!!!
I also need to get my HRM fixed so I can be specific about the calories!
I think my tiredness is showing in my ramblings - time to let it go!
I'll be back soon!
I am tired. After 23 days of not drinking the drink that shall not be named.... I had a black russian and couldn't sleep ALL night. One glass and I wasn't even tired until this afternoon....
It is still important for me to record EVERY morsel of food that goes in to my mouth and every bit of exercise I do. I need evidence. I feel like it doesn't matter what I do - I can't get consistent weight loss and it is soooo slow. I need to make sure I am eating fewer calories and burning more!!!
I also need to get my HRM fixed so I can be specific about the calories!
I think my tiredness is showing in my ramblings - time to let it go!
I'll be back soon!
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
100g of M&Ms = 500 calories = feeling very, very ill
I've been in an emotional slump for days now. It seems to have tied in with me giving up on Pepsi MAX and I'm on to Day 5 (06 Jan 11) and I feel like crap.
The past 4 days I have been fighting emotional eating binges with a great deal of success but caved yesterday. I felt so miserable, so down in the dumps and the urge to stuff food in my mouth became all too much. 100g of M&Ms doesn't look like much, but it sure made me feel sick - I haven't eaten that much chocolate in one hit in a long time and it made me feel ill. This was heightened by reading after the fact, how many calories I had actually consumed.
It also hit home to me how easily I ate excess calories before this Michelle Bridge's program. On top of that chocolate - I would have had ice-cream, carbs, biscuits, packets of chips. Along with large portion sizes, I would easily have been eating in excess of 2000 calories a day and not exercising and gaining weight.
I don't know why I am so bummed out right now. It is driving me nuts but I will get there. I always do. I just have to hope I don't take too many casualties along the way.
The past 4 days I have been fighting emotional eating binges with a great deal of success but caved yesterday. I felt so miserable, so down in the dumps and the urge to stuff food in my mouth became all too much. 100g of M&Ms doesn't look like much, but it sure made me feel sick - I haven't eaten that much chocolate in one hit in a long time and it made me feel ill. This was heightened by reading after the fact, how many calories I had actually consumed.
It also hit home to me how easily I ate excess calories before this Michelle Bridge's program. On top of that chocolate - I would have had ice-cream, carbs, biscuits, packets of chips. Along with large portion sizes, I would easily have been eating in excess of 2000 calories a day and not exercising and gaining weight.
I don't know why I am so bummed out right now. It is driving me nuts but I will get there. I always do. I just have to hope I don't take too many casualties along the way.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
The Daily Record - Week 4
Week 4 Summary: Wed Weigh In : Overall Loss/Gain:
Day 26 - Sunday 09 Jan
Exercise Undertaken:
Positive thought:
And today’s win is....
Calories In minus ( Calories Out plus BMR ) equals:
Comments:
Day 25 – Saturday 08 Jan
Exercise Undertaken: Nil....
Positive thought: I had a great day with my family and am grateful for them and that I get to be a healthy example to my girls!
And today’s win is....Stopping the temptation to eat more than necessary. Ie having one piece of cinnamon toast instead of ordering a second serve ; )
Calories In 728 minus ( Calories Out nil plus BMR 1650 ) equals: -922
Comments: My rice paper rolls really filled me up at lunch and dinner - even though they were less than 200 calories each meal.... YUM!
Day 24 – Friday 07 Jan
Exercise Undertaken: Body Pump
Positive thought: I am building the body I desire with every exercise I undertake.
And today’s win is.... Having a skinny cow sundae at the movies - no popcorn, no choctop, no softdrink!
Calories In 1189 minus ( Calories Out 300 plus BMR 1650 ) equals: -761
Comments:
Day 23 – Thursday 06 Jan
Exercise Undertaken: RPM (Worked my butt off and sweated up a storm!)
Positive thought: Every little success I have is building me up for a bigger success to get to where I need to be.
And today’s win is....
Calories In 1144 minus ( Calories Out 600 plus BMR 1650 ) equals: -1106
Comments:
Day 22 – Wednesday 05 Jan
Exercise Undertaken: Pump class
Positive thought: I am going to complete this "journey" to my ideal weight - no matter how long it takes or how much I have to grit my teeth to get there.
And today’s win is...Going to Pump class despite blowing things.
Calories In 1798 minus ( Calories Out 300 plus BMR 1650 ) equals: -157
Comments: ...Disaster day... Trying to shake this feeling of sadness without success.
Day 21 – Tuesday 04 Jan
Exercise Undertaken: jog/walk 4km
Positive thought:
And today’s win is.... Getting out the door for my morning exercise before 7am. Lovely to see the other early morning walkers/joggers!
Calories In 1209 minus ( Calories Out 400 plus BMR 1650 ) equals: -841
Comments:
Day 20 – Monday 03 Jan
Exercise Undertaken: 4km jog/walk
Positive thought: I can rock this....
And today’s win is... JFDI even though I was emotionally dead
Calories In 1068 minus ( Calories Out 400 plus BMR 1650 ) equals: -932
Comments:
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