Today I feel sad and overwhelmed.
My life in general overwhelms me. I feel like there is not enough hours in the day to do everything I need to and my exercise and food are both going out the window because I feel like it is the only way I can "cope" with my everday life at the moment.
Kinda sucks. It's not even anything big - I haven't had a close relative die, I haven't broken a leg or gone bankrupt. It's just the normal, every day struggle of living....
I guess, in some ways, mentally, emotionally, maturity - I'm on the back foot already. I never really realised how ingrained my self-hatred was. I thought I was okay but it keeps popping up it's ugly head. Yelling at me about my incompetence and my inability to cope. I feel pretty certain I've already put that voice in to my 10 yo daughter's head - and I don't know how to change it. I'm just really hoping that her dad kinda balances it out but on the other hand, he can be pretty critical too....
I've got to find a way out of this sadness, self-hatred, self-pity, not coping cycle because it is so limiting and it is breaking me down so much. And I desperately, desperately want things to be different for my beautiful girls. I want them to love themselves, to be proud of their achievements, to put themselves first and to be everything that they want to be in life.
I feel it is too late for me. That boat has sailed and I have to make the most of what I have and who I am. It's time to accept that I am stuck here and the consequences of that. Instead I am going to pour my energy in helping my precious girls realise their dreams and get to where they want to be in life.
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Round 3 Bloggers Challenge! - Week 1
1. Describe yourself in 25 words or less. You can get straight to the point - or bring your creativity into play.
Unpredictable, emotional, a little unhinged, demanding, fun-maker. Being a mother dominates my life at the mo. Outside of mum is a dreamer, writer, reader, lover.
2. What brings you to 12wbt? Getting fitter? Losing weight? (Gaining weight??) Are you first timer, a repeat offender??
I am the penultimate repeat offender. My first round of 12WBT (Rd 2 2010) I lost 1.6 kilos.... I persevered changing a few things at a time and have over various rounds and Christmas/New Year lost 20 kilos to date. I have another 20 to lose and am bringing it home this round!
3. Why do you blog??
It is mostly for my own benefit. Even though I often feel like nobody is reading my blog - it is cathartic for me to just pour it out and it is also a bit of a record keeper for me... I'll be pretty upset if blogger ever dies and I lose it all... (Should I be backing this up??)
4. Who is your biggest inspiration in life and why (doesn't have to be weight loss)
**I need to think about this some more and come back to it*** Too deep right now!
5. What things in life bring you the most joy?
Absolutely 100 percent my children. Motherhood was something I always wanted from a young girl and it has been exhausting, tiring and yet the most fulfilling and joyful thing I've had in my life.
6.What do you think your greatest challenge is going to be this round?
Food - it is always food.
7. What are you most excited about 12wbt?
Reaching my goal weight this round
8. And what scares the pants off you?
The length. I am so scared I'm not going to make the 12 weeks so I am ticking off each day as it comes.
9. Tell me - right now - today - how do you feel about exercise in no more than 10 words
I love finding my limits - physically and mentally.
10. Complete this sentence - in 12 weeks time - on the last day of 12wbt I am going to be feeling ____________________
..... like a rockstar/new woman/ shock and awe at the new me!
Unpredictable, emotional, a little unhinged, demanding, fun-maker. Being a mother dominates my life at the mo. Outside of mum is a dreamer, writer, reader, lover.
2. What brings you to 12wbt? Getting fitter? Losing weight? (Gaining weight??) Are you first timer, a repeat offender??
I am the penultimate repeat offender. My first round of 12WBT (Rd 2 2010) I lost 1.6 kilos.... I persevered changing a few things at a time and have over various rounds and Christmas/New Year lost 20 kilos to date. I have another 20 to lose and am bringing it home this round!
3. Why do you blog??
It is mostly for my own benefit. Even though I often feel like nobody is reading my blog - it is cathartic for me to just pour it out and it is also a bit of a record keeper for me... I'll be pretty upset if blogger ever dies and I lose it all... (Should I be backing this up??)
4. Who is your biggest inspiration in life and why (doesn't have to be weight loss)
**I need to think about this some more and come back to it*** Too deep right now!
5. What things in life bring you the most joy?
Absolutely 100 percent my children. Motherhood was something I always wanted from a young girl and it has been exhausting, tiring and yet the most fulfilling and joyful thing I've had in my life.
6.What do you think your greatest challenge is going to be this round?
Food - it is always food.
7. What are you most excited about 12wbt?
Reaching my goal weight this round
8. And what scares the pants off you?
The length. I am so scared I'm not going to make the 12 weeks so I am ticking off each day as it comes.
9. Tell me - right now - today - how do you feel about exercise in no more than 10 words
I love finding my limits - physically and mentally.
10. Complete this sentence - in 12 weeks time - on the last day of 12wbt I am going to be feeling ____________________
..... like a rockstar/new woman/ shock and awe at the new me!
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Things I couldn't say a year ago....
"I've lost 20 kilos and kept it off."
"I did an enticer triathlon - hated every minute of the bike ride and came last - but I did it!"
"I run."
"I like to run"
"I worked out with Mish Bridges! :D"
"I'm training to run 32km over a mountain in July next year"
"I expect to be in a healthy weight range by Christmas."
What are some things you couldn't say a year ago? Or even 3 months ago?
"I did an enticer triathlon - hated every minute of the bike ride and came last - but I did it!"
"I run."
"I like to run"
"I worked out with Mish Bridges! :D"
"I'm training to run 32km over a mountain in July next year"
"I expect to be in a healthy weight range by Christmas."
What are some things you couldn't say a year ago? Or even 3 months ago?
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Size 14 is the New Fat........ - Mindset Lesson
A few weeks ago I was feeling really, really good! In the past year I have lost 20 kilos and gotten down to the lowest weight I've been in probably almost 10 years AND I fitted in to a pair of size 14 Jeans..... : D
Celebrations all round right??? Well, yes, for a couple of weeks. I was so thrilled with myself that I became complacent and started allowing myself to not "actually count my calories" and to "take it easy" with the exercise. After all, I was still "recovering" from that "calf injury"..... It is amazing what you can justify when you want to....
And then, when I realised what I was doing - it became, "well, I will eat this today, because starting tomorrow I'm not going to eat this kind of stuff anymore" but the will power was well and truly broken and I have struggled and struggled ever since to even come close to getting things back under control.
Somewhere in the midst of all that carry on, I began to see myself as fat again.... Even though the cms have gone up by one or two - in my head they have shot back out by 10-20cm. Although my weight has only gone up by a couple of kilos - in my head it may as well be the full 20 kilos..... I seriously feel as fat as I did when I was a size 20. I "feel" as unfit as I did 12 months ago (to be honest even 6 months ago when I bailed out of the Michelle Bridge's workout in Dec 2010).
So somehow in my head, Size 14 has become "just as fat" as Size 20..... You would think that would spur me on to drop another dress size but..... this is what I thought I would get to... Even if I lost the other 20 kilos I wanted to lose, I can't even begin to fathom being a Size 12 or a Size 10. It truly is beyond my comprehension... I can't even believe I am "this skinny" - there is no way I could achieve an even smaller size - so it would seem my subconscious is proving me right.
It is allowing me to sit here - right within my expectations and now, I have to work out how to move beyond that. How to re-set my expectation or set up that new belief....
It is blowing my mind at the moment! I honestly can't get my head around it - but I hope I can soon - otherwise I fear I may start heading back towards that woman I don't want to be.
Celebrations all round right??? Well, yes, for a couple of weeks. I was so thrilled with myself that I became complacent and started allowing myself to not "actually count my calories" and to "take it easy" with the exercise. After all, I was still "recovering" from that "calf injury"..... It is amazing what you can justify when you want to....
And then, when I realised what I was doing - it became, "well, I will eat this today, because starting tomorrow I'm not going to eat this kind of stuff anymore" but the will power was well and truly broken and I have struggled and struggled ever since to even come close to getting things back under control.
Somewhere in the midst of all that carry on, I began to see myself as fat again.... Even though the cms have gone up by one or two - in my head they have shot back out by 10-20cm. Although my weight has only gone up by a couple of kilos - in my head it may as well be the full 20 kilos..... I seriously feel as fat as I did when I was a size 20. I "feel" as unfit as I did 12 months ago (to be honest even 6 months ago when I bailed out of the Michelle Bridge's workout in Dec 2010).
So somehow in my head, Size 14 has become "just as fat" as Size 20..... You would think that would spur me on to drop another dress size but..... this is what I thought I would get to... Even if I lost the other 20 kilos I wanted to lose, I can't even begin to fathom being a Size 12 or a Size 10. It truly is beyond my comprehension... I can't even believe I am "this skinny" - there is no way I could achieve an even smaller size - so it would seem my subconscious is proving me right.
It is allowing me to sit here - right within my expectations and now, I have to work out how to move beyond that. How to re-set my expectation or set up that new belief....
It is blowing my mind at the moment! I honestly can't get my head around it - but I hope I can soon - otherwise I fear I may start heading back towards that woman I don't want to be.
Saturday, July 2, 2011
My week 6 Weekly surprise submission!!
This is my SSS submission! :D
LanB's 10 x 10 x 10 Backyard Challenge
Workout level: Prob best for Intermediate to Advanced Lean and Fit
Location: at home, outdoors, anywhere there is a bit of space!!!
Approx duration: approx 1 hour to complete warm up and 10 rounds - Add half an hour more if you want to include a 30 min run or an extra 5 rounds....
The plan!!! To complete 5 minutes of planks, 100 burpees, 100 static lunges, 100 push ups, 100 crunches, 100 squat jumps, 100 ice skaters, 100 tricep dips, 100 ski jumps, 100 towel pulls and 100 side taps in an hour!! Much easier when you break it down in to 10 rounds of 10 reps for each of these 10 exercises (for those counting - the planks are an added bonus!!!!)
Warm Up options: 5 mins skipping OR 5 mins jogging on the spot - alternating heels behind and knees up for 30 sec each for the entire 5 mins
Complete 10 rounds of the following:
Plank 30sec
10 x burpees
10 x static lunges ( 1 left, 1 right = 1 REP!)
10 x push ups (on your toes!!!! - knees if needed)
10 x crunches
10 x squat jumps
10 x ice-skaters
10 tricep dips
10 x ski jumps
10 x towel pulls
10 x side tap crunches
Push through each round without a break until at least Round 5 - take no more than a 2 min recovery walk and continue on with your last 5 rounds!
To take it up to 1000 calories burnt, you could finish with a 30 min run and then stretch OR do another 5 rounds!
LanB's 10 x 10 x 10 Backyard Challenge
Workout level: Prob best for Intermediate to Advanced Lean and Fit
Location: at home, outdoors, anywhere there is a bit of space!!!
Approx duration: approx 1 hour to complete warm up and 10 rounds - Add half an hour more if you want to include a 30 min run or an extra 5 rounds....
The plan!!! To complete 5 minutes of planks, 100 burpees, 100 static lunges, 100 push ups, 100 crunches, 100 squat jumps, 100 ice skaters, 100 tricep dips, 100 ski jumps, 100 towel pulls and 100 side taps in an hour!! Much easier when you break it down in to 10 rounds of 10 reps for each of these 10 exercises (for those counting - the planks are an added bonus!!!!)
Warm Up options: 5 mins skipping OR 5 mins jogging on the spot - alternating heels behind and knees up for 30 sec each for the entire 5 mins
Complete 10 rounds of the following:
Plank 30sec
10 x burpees
10 x static lunges ( 1 left, 1 right = 1 REP!)
10 x push ups (on your toes!!!! - knees if needed)
10 x crunches
10 x squat jumps
10 x ice-skaters
10 tricep dips
10 x ski jumps
10 x towel pulls
10 x side tap crunches
Push through each round without a break until at least Round 5 - take no more than a 2 min recovery walk and continue on with your last 5 rounds!
To take it up to 1000 calories burnt, you could finish with a 30 min run and then stretch OR do another 5 rounds!
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
3 out of 4 days - FAIL!
Today was meant to be my clean eating day but I have succumbed once again to..... well, I want to blame my inner teenager or my inner labrador but I really can't. I think I need to blame my complacency and belief in my own invincibility.
I'm not quite sure how I fell back in to the mind frame that thinks that I can get away with eating 600 calories of chocolate in one day, eat two dinners - home made spag bol followed by KFC.......
Wow - it is really scary when I see it written down. I tell myself but that's only today - I won't be doing that for the next 8 weeks..... but as I said before after 2 days of bad eating over the long weekend this was going to be the start of eating clean again. Hhhhhhmmmm - FAIL!
And to top it off - I feel physically ill. I have gone to bed feeling physically ill on 3 out of the last 4 nights. How is this not a wake up call???? What is wrong with me? And to top it off, my errrmmm cough cough (bowel) is not functioning in quite the same way and I feel like I am full of gas....
I need to right down how shitty I feel right now so I can look back at this and remind myself that this is what eating badly does - oh yeah - and that weight gain thing I thought I had conquered....
I'm not quite sure how I fell back in to the mind frame that thinks that I can get away with eating 600 calories of chocolate in one day, eat two dinners - home made spag bol followed by KFC.......
Wow - it is really scary when I see it written down. I tell myself but that's only today - I won't be doing that for the next 8 weeks..... but as I said before after 2 days of bad eating over the long weekend this was going to be the start of eating clean again. Hhhhhhmmmm - FAIL!
And to top it off - I feel physically ill. I have gone to bed feeling physically ill on 3 out of the last 4 nights. How is this not a wake up call???? What is wrong with me? And to top it off, my errrmmm cough cough (bowel) is not functioning in quite the same way and I feel like I am full of gas....
I need to right down how shitty I feel right now so I can look back at this and remind myself that this is what eating badly does - oh yeah - and that weight gain thing I thought I had conquered....
Sunday, June 12, 2011
2 Weeks of "recovery" - Excuse?
I'm being a sook. I am taking it easy because I'm worried about re-injuring my calf but I think my heart hasn't been it.
I have used my injury to take a break - not only from exercising like a woman possessed but also from eating right..... It's only for this week, it's only until I can be training hard again.... ENOUGH!! Enough with the excuses, Lee-Ann. My dear, dear friend has had a health scare but she is holding it together and not using it as an excuse to eat herself in to oblivion. It's time to take a leaf out of her book and quit the whining and poor excuses.
This program is 80% nutrition. If I can get the nutrition right - I can get everything else right too. I have 8 more weigh ins to go and I want them to be good ones.
Finger has been pulled out - moving on!
I have used my injury to take a break - not only from exercising like a woman possessed but also from eating right..... It's only for this week, it's only until I can be training hard again.... ENOUGH!! Enough with the excuses, Lee-Ann. My dear, dear friend has had a health scare but she is holding it together and not using it as an excuse to eat herself in to oblivion. It's time to take a leaf out of her book and quit the whining and poor excuses.
This program is 80% nutrition. If I can get the nutrition right - I can get everything else right too. I have 8 more weigh ins to go and I want them to be good ones.
Finger has been pulled out - moving on!
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